Steps (Connections recap)

So we’ve covered the basics of finding friends.  The building blocks of working on yourself, putting yourself first, suggestions of where to find friends, that sort of thing.

 

Just a quick recap:

 

Step 1. Work on yourself, find your balance and get comfortable with the “new you.”  You are the most important thing, trying to find friends before you have a strong base will do more harm than good.

 

Step 2. Focus on therapy, finding the right therapy and best routine for you, and rediscovering yourself.  When you have gotten into the swing of your new schedule look around.  Reach out, talk to people with similar interests.  This can be a great first step in finding new friends.

 

Step 3.  Join (a) brain injury support group(s).  After therapy has become routine and you feel you can take on more, join brain injury support group(s).  Being around people who are going through or have overcome similar problems can provide hope, support, and help overcome fears.  Support groups are another wonderful place to meet new people and make friends.

 

Remember:  Do not push yourself to find the “right” friends.  Relax, open yourself to suggestions, possibilities, and do not limit yourself.

 

 

Now it’s time to move on to the next hurdle.  The how.  How to prep yourself to navigate around some common pitfalls survivors have, how to successfully connect with people, and most importantly how to make and keep friends…

Onwards and Upwards (Connections V)

 

A concerned parent of a TBI survivor wrote me that seven years after the accident he was concerned that his son was “stuck” at his injury age (19).  Seven years later, at age 26, though outgoing and involved in the community his son has trouble making new friends.

 

The phenomena of getting “stuck” and acting younger than their age is not uncommon.  Because brain injury does wipe out social skills it takes time to relearn a lifetime’s worth of social skills.  Hastily relearning social etiquette immediately following the accident causes that point in the survivor’s life to be the baseline for what is appropriate.

 

Moving beyond that isn't something you can rush.  The survivor has to be past the point of struggling to keep the deficits under control.  Also, even though this may seem obvious to you it is important to talk to the survivor about your thoughts on the matter.  It can be a lot easier to see these things from the outside and he may not even realize that this could be a problem. However, is equally important for the survivor to make a concerted effort himself.  It is harder to read signs and pick up on nonverbal cues, but if you want to move forward it’s important to try. 

 

I do not know the whole story, and especially in today’s day and age many 26-year-olds tend to act much younger, but there are a few things that aren’t as readily accepted.  Different situations have different rules of propriety.  For instance, it can be okay to curse or make off color jokes around your friends, but doing it around your boss or professor would be unheard of.

 

These changes in environment aren’t always so obvious and when they are subtle picking up on them can be difficult for survivors.  Unfortunately they can be extremely important.  It is important to always be yourself, but in this case, my recommendation is to look at how others are acting in different situations and follow their lead.  At least until you have a better idea. 

 

As far as making friends goes, I would say it is best to hang out with the people you feel most comfortable with.  Age is a number.  I have 21-year-old friends that act more mature than some 50-year-olds I know.  The most important thing I can tell you is not to stress about meeting people or making the “right” friends.  You’ll find your stride, but trying to force it won’t help anything.  Just play it by ear, everybody grows at their own rate.  Accept yourself for who you are, reach out to others, and good things will happen...

Light at the End of the Tunnel (Connections VI)

No one can understand what I am going through.  How could they?  After such a huge change, and especially when family, friends, and therapists clearly don’t understand this is exactly how it can feel.

 

I recommend initiating conversations after therapy and reaching out to classmates in therapy.  Unfortunately, when it feels like others can’t understand reaching out can seem like an almost lonelier and more isolating prospect.  More people to misunderstand and remind you of the separation, and change – this prospect can be terrifying.  This is another reason it is important to ease back into things. 

 

It is vital to remember that one is not alone in feeling this way.  There are millions of brain injury survivors and though every injury is different and each survivor has a unique experience, there are many similarities in all brain injuries. When you feel your therapy routine is under control try joining a brain injury support group. 

 

Being told you are not alone is one thing, but meeting others who have gone through what you are experiencing is another thing entirely.  There are groups for brain injury survivors all across the world.  These communities are wonderful places to meet people, work on social skills and find guidance.  Survivors can share experiences; offer suggestions for how to live with these deficits, and most importantly serve as an example that there really is life after brain injury.

 

Not only are they a place to find much-needed support and companionship, but going can also help you to realize that you are not alone in your struggle.   Meeting others who have gone through similar things can ease the burden of solitude and offers hope for a light at the end of the tunnel….

Another piece of the puzzle (Connections III)

Therapy.  The word has so many negative connotations.  When I got out of the hospital my parents had to drag me there.  I hated being in another clinical building.  I loathed cognitive therapy; I detested occupational therapy, and despised speech therapy.  They kept telling me I was injured when I clearly wasn’t, or so my anosognosia*-addled brain told me. 

 

But didn’t I just recommend focusing on therapy and working towards improvement? 

 

Unquestionably.  But though traditional therapy is important, alone it is not always as effective for brain injury survivors.  I believe that using whatever means available to improve.  Therapy does not have to mean traditional therapy or be held in a clinic to work well.  In fact, alternative therapies have been proven to have some extraordinary results. 

 

Every person is unique and so different survivors respond better to different types of therapy.  In deciding what type of therapy to try, it is better to look at the person than the injury.  Likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses.  Enroll in types of therapy that best suit the patient.  The more he enjoys what he is doing the more effective it will be.   Music, riding, dance, art, horticulture, and recreation are among seemingly endless list of recognized therapies.

 

But not every therapy is equally effective for all patients.  It is extremely important to find the right fit.  Alternative therapies can help every aspect of life; many types of alternative therapy such as animal assisted therapy, hippotherapy (riding therapy), and recreational therapy encourage social interaction, cultivate empathy, and help rebuild social skills.  Rebuilding these skills and relearning how to connect is the next step on the path.

 

Another wonderful benefit of therapy is that your classes can be a social goldmine.  Not only are the people in these sessions fellow survivors, but they also share similar interests.  The more you have in common with someone the easier it is to talk, start conversations, and bond with them.  Start a conversation and see what happens.  Chances are you will find that you have more in common you’re your classmates than you might have thought.

 

After a session, say hi to one of your fellow patients and see where your conversation takes you.  Having a friend in therapy can motivate and inspire both of you to do your best. 

 

 

*Anosognosia is a fascinating condition in which the brain cannot recognize injury or change.  It occurs in over half of right hemisphere stroke victims and many brain injury survivors and can cause patients to be resistant to therapy.

A Strong Foundation (Connections II)

 

Immediately following a brain injury it can take all of your effort just to keep your head above water – the smallest things may seem like too much to take.  As the overwhelming waters of confusion begin to recede however, it is common for survivors to feel stranded, friends nowhere to be found.  This is not their fault, for days, weeks, or months they have been warned against overstimulating the survivor.  People cannot be expected to wait indefinitely or to instinctively know the right time to rejoin the survivor’s life.

 

This may lead to lonely times, but it’s important to remember not to rush into a full-blown social life.  After brain injury it’s extremely easy for survivors to become overstimulated and fatigued.  As time passes it happens less frequently but take care, don’t let this newfound energy lull you into thinking you are better.  Take care of yourself – brain injury episodes are never far away.  Not only can these destroy friendships, both old and new, but it is also terrible for your health and progress.    Not to mention that overstimulation may cause an instinctual withdraw from the world to recuperate.

 

The best way to avoid hyper-extending or overstimulation is to make a schedule and get into a routine.  Have definite activities to get you out of the house but also make sure to schedule breaks and times for rest.  This will this help balance life, increase motivation, productivity, and happiness in general. This series is about making friends and connections, but the first step to building lasting relationships is taking care of yourself and getting your life in order. 

 

Take it easy, focus on therapy, discovering the new you, improvement, and building a strong foundation.   Find your feet and get comfortable in your routine always making sure not to take

 on too much.  When you have gotten in the swing of things and feel confident, that is the time to open yourself to opportunities for friendship.  And therapy is a good place to start….