Building Blocks

"You're going to South America for six weeks?" J couldn't have looked more shocked and hurt if he'd seen me kick a puppy.

"Well yeah. I told you I was thinking of going to Peru in April, right?" I spoke slowly, trying to make sense of his reaction. What had I done wrong? I had told him I was probably taking a trip to South America. 

"You did mention something about South America, but I thought you meant for a week or two. Six weeks is along time. "

“Sorry,” I said offhandedly shrugging my shoulders. He’d done told me he was going to Utah for a week a few days before he left and same when he went to Georgia.  I was telling him nearly a month before the trip.  What did he want?

J's pained expression didn't ease. After several moments of confusion, my brain unsuccessfully trying to understand, realization started to dawn. I actually hurt him.

“I just wish you could have talked about this with me,” he said plaintively.

With horror comprehension washed over me: communication is what relationships are all about….  I should have known.  What kind of idiot doesn’t realize something so obvious!?

The more I thought the worse the thoughtlessness of my actions seemed.  I had hurt someone I cared for.  I fell over myself apologizing.  “I’m so sorry.  I didn’t do it on purpose, I didn’t even think.  Can I make it up to you?”

J’s hurt expression melted away.  “It’s okay.  You didn’t do it on purpose.  Just next time it would be nice to talk about things like this before buying the ticket.”

“I will, I’m so sorry, I only bought the ticket yesterday.  I kind of decided how long I was going to be gone for while I was on the phone.  It was just a cheaper that way.  Next time I’ll talk to you about things when I’m thinking about them though.  I promise.  I am so sorry I didn’t talk to you about it this time.  I won’t do it again.  I am so sorry!” 

“It’s okay.  I know you’re sorry. You don’t have to keep apologizing.  We’ll talk about things like this in the future.”

I still felt miserable, but having a plan of action and a boyfriend who could help me move forward and not dwell on social faux pas helped immensely.

Brain injury, the building blocks of social interaction - all etiquette, polish, and manners vanish. Perhaps the hardest part of being a survivor is rebuilding these lost social skills.  Not only is it humiliating not being able to see things obvious to others but worse still these faux pas can hurt others terribly. 

In the worst case these social missteps can dissolve friendships, partnerships, or business deals.  In the best cases they can make for funny stories.  The sad truth is most of these incidents rest in a painful middle ground. Realizing you missed something you should by all rights have picked up on, or worse is a painful reminder of how brain injury can affect every aspect of life.

Survivors will almost certainly have more moments of seeming insensitivity than others.  More often than not they do not understand that they are being insensitive.  As difficult as it may be, it is important for friends and family not to blame them for these gaffs.  Survivors beat themselves up quite enough as is. 

The best way to approach these situations is to express your feelings and clarify how the survivor’s actions affected you or why their action was inappropriate.  Immediately, while the incident is fresh in the survivor’s mind, outline a different approach to a similar situation and a way to move forward.  Not only will this keep the survivor from dwelling on an unfortunate incident, but it will also help them to move forward and do better in the future. 

It is possible that they will repeat social missteps, but it is important to approach these situations in a similar manner each time.  This can be frustrating, but keep in mind: with patience anything is possible….