The Road to Hell

I wasn’t on my deathbed.  Not even close. 

Sure, I lost my voice, did a fair amount of coughing, and managed to sleep several days away, but all in all it was a minor case of the sniffles.

I made it to my computer on Wednesday with the best of intentions.  I had writing to do – I would make up the time I had lost! The ideas were there, just putting them onto paper; somehow the words just wouldn’t flow.  No, that wasn't quite it.  The words were there; it was the motivation to write that remained conspicuously absent. 

Day after he entire week vanished before my eyes.  I marvel at how one little illness can be enough to overload me.  It is as if I jumped off life’s merry-go-round to catch my breath, but the work didn’t stop when I did.  Now I’m ready to get back on, but all I can do is watch as the horses whiz past faster and faster a little faster with each new addition on my to do list.

All my grandiose plans to jump back in, do 3 make-up blogs in one day, catch up on my emails and reading, clean my apartment, and so on and so forth had caused my brain to short circuit.  Even after all the advice I’ve given on not taking on too much and not holding oneself to such high standards I didn’t listen. 

As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and that’s all my plans will be if I try to jump in too fast. Picking up where I left off isn’t an option.  It takes time for me to get from zero to sixty.  I have to ease my way back into up to speed. 

Improvement is always possible.  Survivors can learn, progress, and take astonishing steps forward.  However, it is important to remember, and have others remind us, to take things slowly – gradually increase the amount of things you are involved in.  If you push yourself too hard, get sick, or stretch your resources too far, you will need to let yourself ease back to the point you were before. 

 

It can be difficult, but stick with this method of slow progression, but it is well worth it.  Take more on when you are certain that you are ready, but be sure to pay close attention to what your body tells you after each new addition to your schedule.   In the end, you will be able to take on and accomplish more than you ever thought possible….

One Step at a time … Improvement vs. Recovery

Further recovery is always possible for brain injury survivors.  With perseverance, determination, and above all hope miracles are possible.

I didn’t always think like that.  When doctors first told me “recovery is a life long process,” I wanted to cry.  It seemed as if they were saying that I would have to fight tooth and nail struggle every day working reclaim what I had lost – to put together the pieces of the ‘me’ that was.  With depleted energy, while regulating the apparently insurmountable cognitive and social deficits and living my life.

Even with their warning, I clung tenaciously to the idea that one day I’d get over it and be ‘normal’ again.  Much to my dismay, each time I felt good about my life and started pushing myself as I had before the accident, I’d end up fatigued or worse, reach the point of a meltdown.  When this happened, it felt to me as if I had taken ten steps back. I just wanted to be better.  I just wanted it all to be over.  I just wanted to be cured.

Over time, I came to realize how unrealistic both the fear of having to juggle everything at once and my expectations truly were. 

The doctors were right; recovery is a lifelong process.  Complete recovery is impossible.  One can never regain all that has been lost.  There is no cure.  Improvement, however, is within reach.   One may even gain skills and reach heights unattainable without having first gone through this trial.  Moshe Feldenkrais said it best in his book Body Awareness as Healing Therapy: The Case of Nora:

“‘Improvement’ is a gradual bettering which has no limit.  ‘Cure’ is a return to the previously enjoyed state of activity which need not have been excellent or even good.”

As they say, God never closes a door without opening a window.  Every challenge comes with gifts, though they may be extremely hard to see it is important to try.  I would be lying if I said I did not mourn all that I have lost, or am to any degree grateful for the Accident.  However, I do believe that having to struggle with my deficits has done a great deal towards making me a more compassionate, patient, perseverant, and goal-oriented individual.

I realize that I am extremely fortunate in having come this far, but I believe it is a universal truth that no matter where you are, there is always room for growth.  That is what we are truly working towards – not recovery, improvement.  To work towards recovering a past one has no hope of fully recovering seems a dismal prospect.  Working towards improvement, on the other hand, offers hope and opens a world of possibilities.

Set small goals.  Take everything one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other – it all will come together. At times the progress can be imperceptibly gradual, but we are always building new pathways.  Getting impatient and try and tackle everything at once (like I did) will make recovery seem like an insurmountable challenge.  Have patience, and every so often take a glance back, seeing how far you have come will amaze you….

"Through Dangers Untold and Hardships Unnumbered"

The Labyrinth, and all of Jim Henson's movies were childhood favorites of mine.  There is one line in particular hits close to home.  "Through dangers untold, and hardships unnumbered I have fought my way here...."  I often think of it, and believe it is extremely appropriate for life after brain injury.  It can be a constant struggle, to find you way through the labyrinthine medina of life with your new burden of deficits.  Far too often others discount your struggle, not realizing the dangers, landmines, and pitfalls lurking should you stray from the path. 

In my “Art and Arias” entry I recommend keeping your mind stimulated and constantly trying new things.  Though I stand by my words, I feel I must stress that it is a razor thin line survivors must walk between stimulation and overstimulation.  One millimeter to the left and fatigue can hit, burying you under an avalanche of deficits, one millimeter to the right and you will become bored, lose interest, and not reach your full potential.  Doctors and therapists tend to err on the side of safety, I firmly believe that they are right to build a strong foundation, however I am not sure that this is always the best way. 

Though it is not the safest or easiest route, but I would say I am where I am today because I

 pushed myself (maybe too hard) in this fashion.  In riding, my best and most satisfy

ing performances were always on that sliver of area.  It is that feeling that takes your breath away - you are just barely in control of the powerful animal, if something goes wrong then everything can go wrong -but it feels like flying.   It is just that same feeling of pushing yourself until you are just brushing the breaking point, but knowing when to take it back.  Unfortunately patience, perseverance, and frustration rather than than exhilaration, are what survivors have to look forward through the process.  

The old adage “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” is at the root of my philosophy.  Build solid a solid foundation and then try, try, and try again until you get it.  Sometimes you will have to leave what you are trying to accomplish and come back to it, but with persistence, the pathways will form.  When you have it adequately, it is imperative that you take a break; step back, take a breath and relax.  Learning will fatigue you faster than anything, be careful to listen to your body and  do not get in a hurry.  Giving yourself and your brain time to rest is possibly the most important part of the process, because this is the time it’s building and solidifying those pathways.  When you are well-rested and ready to go, then on to the next step – you will be amazed – what you once thought was impossible will become second nature.   

I marvel at the brain’s plasticity, it’s ability to grow, reshape, and reform itself, and the more research I do, and the more fascinated I become.  Until recently doctors thought that if a brain cell died, then that was it, but new findings show that new brain cells are constantly forming.  Recovery is a life long process, but this does not have to be a bad thing … you can always make progress.  The most important thing to remember is to never give up hope …