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A concerned parent of a TBI survivor wrote me that seven years after the accident he was concerned that his son was “stuck” at his injury age (19). Seven years later, at age 26, though outgoing and involved in the community his son has trouble making new friends.
The phenomena of getting “stuck” and acting younger than their age is not uncommon. Because brain injury does wipe out social skills it takes time to relearn a lifetime’s worth of social skills. Hastily relearning social etiquette immediately following the accident causes that point in the survivor’s life to be the baseline for what is appropriate.
Moving beyond that isn't something you can rush. The survivor has to be past the point of struggling to keep the deficits under control. Also, even though this may seem obvious to you it is important to talk to the survivor about your thoughts on the matter. It can be a lot easier to see these things from the outside and he may not even realize that this could be a problem. However, is equally important for the survivor to make a concerted effort himself. It is harder to read signs and pick up on nonverbal cues, but if you want to move forward it’s important to try.
I do not know the whole story, and especially in today’s day and age many 26-year-olds tend to act much younger, but there are a few things that aren’t as readily accepted. Different situations have different rules of propriety. For instance, it can be okay to curse or make off color jokes around your friends, but doing it around your boss or professor would be unheard of.
These changes in environment aren’t always so obvious and when they are subtle picking up on them can be difficult for survivors. Unfortunately they can be extremely important. It is important to always be yourself, but in this case, my recommendation is to look at how others are acting in different situations and follow their lead. At least until you have a better idea.
As far as making friends goes, I would say it is best to hang out with the people you feel most comfortable with. Age is a number. I have 21-year-old friends that act more mature than some 50-year-olds I know. The most important thing I can tell you is not to stress about meeting people or making the “right” friends. You’ll find your stride, but trying to force it won’t help anything. Just play it by ear, everybody grows at their own rate. Accept yourself for who you are, reach out to others, and good things will happen...
Thanks D. I hope my son will read and comment sometime. j
ReplyDeleteDorothy,
ReplyDeleteMy 27 year old son was in a single car accident 10/21/07 when he made the decision to drive home after drinking with friends. We are blessed that no one else was injured with that careless act, however his life was forever changed. The consequences for my son,a severe traumatic brain injury.
After reading this post, it really hit home so much that it felt like you were talking about or to my son. This stage of recovery is so difficult and although I research brain injury every day trying to be a better caregiver, it is nice to read the about the journey from a survivor's perspective.
Thank you for sharing - your message is filled with HOPE. God Bless.
Dorothy,
ReplyDeleteYou are so very right about regaining social skills. It takes years for a child to develope social skills and everyone understands that the child is learning how to interact with others. While it takes years to recover physical and mental abilities, it seems folks expect those of us with brain injuries to be fine with social skills. I am 20+ years post accident and have many friends, but that is not the norm and I have facilitated many support groups over the years and that is probably one of the biggest issues.