I've Gotta Make Like Elvis Costello and Get Happy! (Computer problems part I)

It was still dark when I awoke, drenched in sweat, gasping for air.  I reached for my cell –  5:30 – not again, I groaned.  Flinging the covers off I rolled out of bed to do damage control. 

 

Giving the radiator a dark look, I kicked myself for forgetting to leave the window open.  Flipping the light switch I flung the dripping window wide and tried to shoo the thick cloud of steam out, and surveyed my room, the sauna. Both mirrors fogged over, the walls dripping with condensation, it looked like I’d just taken a shower.  When I looked over at my MacBook, my heart leapt to my throat.  The laptop was covered with water droplets.

My Macbook is 10 months old, still under warranty, but I do not have the best luck with electronics (or warranties for that matter).  Over the past few months it’s been running slower, taking ages to start up, programs have been spontaneously shutting down, part of the plastic started peeling up for no reason, and various other annoyances, but I need my computer, so I put off taking it in.  I may not be great with electronics, but I am decidedly dependant on them, and losing my computer was not a thought I relished.  Now I may not be the most computer savvy person in the world, but I’m pretty sure that a sauna is not the best place to leave a computer.  It may have been having problems before, but with this incident I was more than a little worried that under warranty or not it a) wouldn’t work and b) they’d refuse to fix it.

Too stressed to sleep I went into the kitchen to make some snickerdoodles, before laying down and trying to slip in another few minutes of rest before my alarm.

Snickerdoodles

Ingredients:

1 1/2 c Sugar

1 c. Shortening

2 Eggs (I use egg replacer)

1 T. Vanilla

3 c. Flour

1/4 t. Salt

1 t. Baking Soda

1T Ground Cinnamon

1/2 c. Flour

• Preheat Oven to 375
• Mix cinnamon and 1/2 c. sugar in bowl and set aside
• Mix shortening, sugar, eggs, and vanilla.  Stir in dry ingredients until well mixed
• Form dough into balls and roll in cinnamon/sugar mixture
• Place balls on pan 2-3 in apart and slightly flatten with hand
• Bake for 8-10 min

Hours later, down at the library, hoping against hope, I took my computer out, and turned it on with crossed fingers.  It started up alright, maybe….Things did not look promising when I turned the computer.  Steam had gotten under the screen, and one corner just looked wrong.  But maybe….

Then I started typing.  The “t,” “m,” and “arrow” keys didn’t work.  

Hours later, down at the library, hoping against hope, I took my computer out and turned it on (being careful to keep my fingers crossed).  My heart caught as the screen flickered on; steam had gotten under it and one corner just looked wrong.  Maybe it would still work though ... if that was all that was wrong, maybe I could live with it....  

Then I started typing.  The "t," "m," and "arrow" keys were all sticking.  I couldn't write like that.

With a sinking feeling I put away my notebook and headed to the Mac store.  Why did this have to happen now?  Right when things were moving forward so well.  It felt as if I had the wind knocked out of me.  I was lost without my computer – I couldn’t blog, give advice, network, volunteer, keep in touch with friends or anything even my schedule was online!  Maybe they could fix it there though, they did just give me a new ipod when my last one broke.  I wasn’t happy about losing a day of work it could be worse.  Mac’s known for their great warranty – they’ll fix it and make it all better.

The “geniuses” at the Mac store took a look at it – corrosion was causing all the problems I’d been experiencing.  It would be $800 to fix.  I was gutted.  The computer wasn’t even a year old, it’s not like this was my fault.  But I was too tired to argue.  I took it home to transfer the last two weeks’ work on my external hard drive. 

I turned opened the book and was greeted with a strange looking circle in three sections.  What was with Mac and their cute icons!?  Was this their version of a biohazard symbol or something?   I had lost two (productive) weeks of work, would have to get them to fix the computer, and knowing my luck, would probably have to replace it again in two months.  I couldn’t live without a computer for the week they’d told me it would take to fix it. 

Growing more panicked by the second, I called J for support and to see if maybe he had an extra laptop I could borrow in the meantime.   No answer.  I left a tearful message apologizing for bothering him at work and telling him the situation.  Okay, I was on my own, I took a deep breath, put my external hard drive in my computer bag along with the Mac and headed back to the store.  Maybe they could rescue the files.

When I got the computer back to the Mac store I found my answer.  Turned out their geniuses hadn’t taken my computer out of target disc mode.  They helped save the files, and I went back to the library to see if I could get any work done, or at the very least find a plane ticket out of the country while they fixed my computer.

Taking the computer apart and putting it together again had fixed some problems, but the “arrow” and “m” keys still didn’t work.  I had saved the files, most of the keys worked, but I wasn’t any further from tears.  Like a broken record, my mind kept going back to the dull, beaten feeling that it had happened again – right when I needed it most a piece of technology it had broken.  Again.   I had to take care of everything by myself.  Again.  In my mind the world piled sandbag after sandbag of unfairness on my shoulders weighing me down, and each new insult added to the prodigious weight.

That evening at the meeting, J tried to hug me, and I took a reflexive step back, “I will cry if you hug me.  Do not be nice to me.” I told him.  It was true, when I am upset I can keep a brave face if I have someone or something to rally against, but if people are nice to me, it’s too much.   And I did not want any part of crying in public.

Poor J couldn’t understand it.  He apologized trying to understand why I was so upset and tried his best to understand.   He hadn’t gotten my message until ten minutes before.  Why was I so upset?  Was it the money?  Was it that he hadn’t called me back?  Was it the time?  But his look told me he thought I blamed him.

“No, it’s not that.  Don’t worry it’s nothing to do with you,” I told him.  Some part of me knew I was being silly, but I couldn’t see the bright side to save my life.  My mind just kept coming back the negatives of the emotion-fraught day.  I just wanted to go home and mope, sinking into a self-pitying slump.  

Depression is one of the most common psychiatric complications in brain injury.  I am thankfully not depressed, but when I am fatigued, the stresses, and complications in life can become overwhelming.  Being faced with losing my computer was a huge deal.  That combined with lack of sleep the night before, my mind the Mac geniuses telling me the warranty wouldn’t cover it, feeling like I was having to take care of things alone, and my brain replaying the day’s worst highlights on a loop of perseveration was too much.  When J called later, I tried to explain what I was going through, but in a hollow sort of way; I didn’t want to talk on the phone.

Just as there are numerous factors causing it there are many ways to break free from depression and perseveration’s self-perpetuating loop.  As with many TBI-related traps, is important survivors let their loved ones know about this.  Self-awareness can be extremely difficult, especially at times like this, so their help and guidance can be invaluable. 

• The number one thing is to make sure you are well rested – a good night’s sleep, or satisfying nap works miracles.  Fatigue is at the root of so many tbi-related problems.  Though we may not like to admit it, survivors do need more sleep, and we pay for it if we don’t get enough.
• Companionship, human or animal is also extremely therapeutic for me in cases like this
• In the same vein, human touch also works wonders  Though I pushed J away when he tried to give me a hug, that was solely because I did not want to cry in public.
• A good cathartic cry is in my experience, an excellent release for tension, stress and way out of the trap.
• Finally, just as I spoke of in the last entry on agitation, I find that distraction works wonders.  An outside party must assist with this, but distraction, (or if you are caught in an actual depression I find travel works wonders) is a good ace to keep up your sleeve

However keep in mind, sleep is paramount.  The other three suggestions will no more effective than band aids on a shark bite if you are not well rested.  However they do work as excellent aids to bolster you when sleep isn’t enough….