The Antidote to the Flat Affect

 I am usually a little melancholy this time of year, the Accident happened a few days after Thanksgiving, so not only was I hospitalized over the holidays, but I was also becoming aware of myself and my surroundings right around this time.  However my memory still made a guppy's seem long - unless there were people around me at all times, then I couldn't remember anyone having visited.  Because of the holidays, and also because I was out of immediate danger, led to a sharp decline in the number of visitors.  These factors, combined with holiday expectations, made this a desperately lonely time for me, one memory which does linger. 

Because I live in New York, and and the rest of my family is scattered across the country, I follow in the footsteps of Scarlet O'Hara and rely on the kindness of strangers (or at least friends), to spend the holidays with.  Some years I spend the holidays with a traditional family, others I distract myself with travel, but whatever the case I have to keep busy.   If I can stay occupied and distract myself, then deadness doesn't seep in, but it's lurking, ready to work its insidious way in....  

Utterly detached, you feel the stark walls of isolation closing in .... and don't care.  You are a spectator, impassively watching.  I don't know if other survivors go through this, but I truly believe that this has to do with a lingering piece of the flat affect (not displaying emotions facially or in my voice).   It feels as if something  came loose in the accident, or some part of me didn't come back - emotions don't come naturally anymore, like they're not attached.  I'm not saying that my feelings aren't genuine, more that what should be a firm connection is barely hanging by a thread.  

For example, if I'm concentrating hard, often my face will be deadpan, and voice deadpan, or I won't have instantaneous reactions even to highly emotional situations - there's just a disconnect.   And this spectator feeling creeps in through that tiny fissure between my emotions and reaction time; and sucks me into that other universe the flat affect tore through to.  

It works its way into even the most crowded room, but in my experience, kind words, warm hugs, rousing conversation, and activity work wonders to tether me to this reality.  When the flat affect threatens to overtake me, sometimes it is too much effort to do this myself.  Though forays there may be inevitable, it's dangerous to stay too long.  This is why it's extremely important to have friends and family understand and keep you moving, connected, and out of that dead zone.  Thankfully not only was I quite busy this holiday season, spending it with a lovely family surrogate family so the warm fuzzies kept me tethered to the "real" world.  

Fortunately I spent fabulous Christmas surrounded by an exuberant, boisterous, loving family who did exactly that.  I stuffed myself with more food than could possibly be healthy for me, got to hear the Menorah-lighting prayer, Christmas carols, and watch Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas in a theater.  Yes, I would have to say that Christmas at J's takes a firm spot my top five of all time.  That darkness couldn't have sneaked in if it tried this year.  

In a nutshell my antidote to the deadened stillness of the flat affect is mainly to keep moving, active, connected, and always working towards a goal.  Join groups, contribute, because especially now, a sense of community is vital.