I Walk a Thin Line

At times like this, when I have so much to get done and so little time to do it I walk a thin line.  I am scrambling to get everything accomplished before I leave the country tomorrow.  At times like this poor planning skills and lack of foresight are a terrible drawback.  

I will do my best to keep up the blog during my travels however these weeks I am a bit pressed to respond to all questions, posts and emails.  Like a tightrope walker teetering between productivity and a plummet to my death while trying to stay on the good side of productivity, I pray to keep my balance.  My deepest apologies if I get behind or take longer to respond.  I will answer all questions and comments when I am able.  Thank you for your understanding.

Warmest wishes,

Dorothy k

If You Only Listened

I knew it was happening.  All the warning signs were there, but did I listen?  Of course I didn’t. 

 

I said that one way of getting out of the vicious cycle of poor sleep and stressing yourself out too much was taking a break.  Not taking it easy, but a real honest to goodness rejuvenate, recharge and replenish rest for your body.  This is completely true.  Unfortunately if you don’t catch it in time your body will make you.

I mentioned that I’ve been under stress, not sleeping well, and that sort of thing.  When I started to feel the first hints Tuesday – wearing out more quickly than usual, an errant tickle in the back of my throat, and the like – I just figured I could take it a little easier and it would go away.  I went to bed a little earlier than normal and hoped that would do the trick.

Wednesday I woke up in a good mood and had all but forgotten the previous night’s warning signs.  But over the course of the day things started to go downhill.  Everything was getting under my skin.  That afternoon, J and I were discussing some minor point.  It shouldn’t have mattered, but somehow, this what shouldn’t have bothered me seemed awful.  I took a reactionary stance – I didn’t want to be around anybody who didn’t have my opinion.  

Taken aback by such inflexible, rigid thinking, coming from a normally open minded girl, J made a comment on how judgmental I was acting.  After a few minutes of explaining that I wasn’t judging.  It was fine if they had their opinion, I merely didn’t want to be around people who didn’t agree with me.  I plead my case, confident that I had a logical and rational argument.  By the time we finished our conversation I was confident that I had proven my point.  Twenty minutes later the full weight of the fatigue hit me.

Stepping back and writing about this episode I see frightening parallels between last week’s exchange and the anosognosia, I experienced immediately after the accident.  Though no longer a total eclipse of my reason, I was still incapable of recognizing that there was anything wrong.

What I should have done was skipped the meeting, taken the next day off and just slept. But no, I had told J I would be at the meeting, so I took hour train ride home, slept for fifteen minutes, and rode the hour back rushing to get to the meeting on time.  I got a nap in there – I was taking it easy – shouldn’t that be enough? 

I took it easy for a few days, but I refused to cancel all of my plans.  By the end of the networking potluck on Sunday I had made connections and lost my voice.  I managed to get home but no further.  My body had utterly given out.  I spent the next two days in bed with a fever, barely able to make it to the kitchen for tea.  Try and take it easy, or try and push through, the results are the same – I get sick if I don't give myself a real break. 

If this always happens, then why haven’t I learned?  Like so many other survivors, I forgot the consequences, thought it would be different this time, and failed to learn from my past mistakes.  I have gotten better.  Now I do take it easy when I feel like I have pushed myself too far, but I still try and limp on at half speed for a while before my body utterly gives out on me.

It is important to listen to what your body tells you.  However, it is equally important to let your loved ones know that survivors don’t always learn from mistakes and can show poor judgment.  Ask your friends and family to give you a little “heads up” when they feel like you are acting a little off, see if you’re feeling tired, or let you know if they feel like you’re taking on too much.  What you don’t see may be obvious to everyone around you and fatigue isn't something you want to mess around with.

Your body will get the rest it needs.  Just try to give it a break before takes one....

Hindsight is 20/20

“I wonder why you sometimes don't do what you know would help-you've given us several examples: not crying on J's shoulder, not getting enough sleep, not eating enough.”

Often outsiders wonder precisely this about brain injury survivors' actions as this insightful blog reader.  So many problems could just be avoided if survivors would simply listen to what doctors’ advice.  In my case it’s even stranger – I know the right thing to do – why don’t I just take my own advice? 

To ease your mind dear reader, though I do struggle with TBI, and the deficits remain, at this point they are shadows of their former intensity.  For the purposes of this blog however, I am focusing on this aspect of my life to better illustrate these entries in order to help educate, inspire, and offer guidance.  However, because of this I give examples of what I am doing wrong, and point out how to do it right in hopes others can learn from my mistakes.  Even though it may sound like my life is a constant battle, I simply don’t write about the good days because they aren’t informative, interesting, and don’t have much to do with brain injury.  In other words, though I had a delightful Valentine’s day with J, writing about the beautiful roses he gave me, our phenomenal dinner, or any other part of the perfect evening, simply did not seem pertinent.  However had this been the sole reason I would not have found it necessary to devote an entire blog entry in response to this comment.…

The other, more complex reason, is a hallmark characteristic of brain injury - poor judgment. Distracted by excitement, caught up in the moment, or locked in a single-minded “need” to get things done, one can push through, oblivious to the warning signs.  To make things worse, the more fatigued, agitated, or focused a survivor becomes, the harder it is to step back and listen to what your body is telling you until it is too late….

My stubborn nature and drive to always push myself further, beat the odds, and prove my self-sufficiency has served me well in many ways.  I believe it has given me the strength to come as far as I have, and has made me who I am today.  However, there is a time to push forward, and there is a time to listen to what your body is telling you. 

Unfortunately I have not yet mastered the art of recognizing when to say when.  I can and do overextend myself, refuse support (not wanting to be a burden), stay out too late, and generally ignore what my body is telling me.  Curiously, the more I take on, the more energized and invincible I feel.  When I get to this euphoric state and push past the brief “nap threshold,” as I refer to the point when exhaustion washes in, whether it is an emotional meltdown, a TBI episode, or me just getting sick, the outcome is never good.  

After the fact I realize exactly what I should have done, and generally kick myself for it. “Hindsight is 20/20” could practically be my slogan.  However, in the heat of the moment on the other hand, stopping isn’t even an option, and unfortunately, a common problem.

Fortunately it is not an insurmountable one.  Brain injury is a desperately lonely thing. This is, however, a time where you need your friends, family, and support the most. It is extremely important to be open with your family and friends about challenges you face.  An outsider’s perspective and a little common sense go a long way in diffusing the situation before it goes too far. 

It isn’t difficult, all it takes are a few gentle prompting words to guide the survivor towards thinking about the consequences of their actions.  This may take the form of suggesting a nap, recommending you cut down your course load (or not taking on so much) in order to do better at a few things (and giving some examples of what could potentially happen), reminding the survivor they have to get an early start.  This is merely another way suggestibility can be used to guide survivors towards wiser decisions.   So many crises truly are avoidable if the situations are correctly handled.  Calmer days are just around the corner….