If You Only Listened

I knew it was happening.  All the warning signs were there, but did I listen?  Of course I didn’t. 

 

I said that one way of getting out of the vicious cycle of poor sleep and stressing yourself out too much was taking a break.  Not taking it easy, but a real honest to goodness rejuvenate, recharge and replenish rest for your body.  This is completely true.  Unfortunately if you don’t catch it in time your body will make you.

I mentioned that I’ve been under stress, not sleeping well, and that sort of thing.  When I started to feel the first hints Tuesday – wearing out more quickly than usual, an errant tickle in the back of my throat, and the like – I just figured I could take it a little easier and it would go away.  I went to bed a little earlier than normal and hoped that would do the trick.

Wednesday I woke up in a good mood and had all but forgotten the previous night’s warning signs.  But over the course of the day things started to go downhill.  Everything was getting under my skin.  That afternoon, J and I were discussing some minor point.  It shouldn’t have mattered, but somehow, this what shouldn’t have bothered me seemed awful.  I took a reactionary stance – I didn’t want to be around anybody who didn’t have my opinion.  

Taken aback by such inflexible, rigid thinking, coming from a normally open minded girl, J made a comment on how judgmental I was acting.  After a few minutes of explaining that I wasn’t judging.  It was fine if they had their opinion, I merely didn’t want to be around people who didn’t agree with me.  I plead my case, confident that I had a logical and rational argument.  By the time we finished our conversation I was confident that I had proven my point.  Twenty minutes later the full weight of the fatigue hit me.

Stepping back and writing about this episode I see frightening parallels between last week’s exchange and the anosognosia, I experienced immediately after the accident.  Though no longer a total eclipse of my reason, I was still incapable of recognizing that there was anything wrong.

What I should have done was skipped the meeting, taken the next day off and just slept. But no, I had told J I would be at the meeting, so I took hour train ride home, slept for fifteen minutes, and rode the hour back rushing to get to the meeting on time.  I got a nap in there – I was taking it easy – shouldn’t that be enough? 

I took it easy for a few days, but I refused to cancel all of my plans.  By the end of the networking potluck on Sunday I had made connections and lost my voice.  I managed to get home but no further.  My body had utterly given out.  I spent the next two days in bed with a fever, barely able to make it to the kitchen for tea.  Try and take it easy, or try and push through, the results are the same – I get sick if I don't give myself a real break. 

If this always happens, then why haven’t I learned?  Like so many other survivors, I forgot the consequences, thought it would be different this time, and failed to learn from my past mistakes.  I have gotten better.  Now I do take it easy when I feel like I have pushed myself too far, but I still try and limp on at half speed for a while before my body utterly gives out on me.

It is important to listen to what your body tells you.  However, it is equally important to let your loved ones know that survivors don’t always learn from mistakes and can show poor judgment.  Ask your friends and family to give you a little “heads up” when they feel like you are acting a little off, see if you’re feeling tired, or let you know if they feel like you’re taking on too much.  What you don’t see may be obvious to everyone around you and fatigue isn't something you want to mess around with.

Your body will get the rest it needs.  Just try to give it a break before takes one....