"A Wasted Heart is a Waste of Time"

I was not looking forward to Friday.  We were having the "DTR," (Determine the Relationship talk - I'd have been convinced my friend K invented the term, had it not been for J using it.) I'd promised to make J dinner, so there wasn't really a way I could get out of it either.  

Now the number of people living in Delaware probably outnumbers the world population of people who find relationships easy. Relationships are work.  Period.  Unfortunately, because of numerous factors, initiating, building, maintaining,  and continuing romantic relationships, and interpersonal relationships of any variety can be the hardest thing in the world. Marriages end, friendships dissolve, relationships crash and burn before they even have a chance to start, or worse yet close friends are alienated.

I am very happy for having come as far as I have come in my recovery.  I have regained many of my lost social skills, through observation,  trial and error, stern lectures from friends, and that sort of thing.  After much practice, I've honed my ability to meet people, make acquaintances, and network - superficial relationships.    Sadly, actually cultivating relationships is more difficult.  In relationship building timing is everything and timing is one of the last things for the TBI to relinquish.  Because of this, quite often one of two things will happen; either it will be difficult for me to initiate new topics, and think of new (appropriate) things to say.   In those cases I can appear stiff or awkward (unless the other person talks a lot, in which case I have no problem following their lead).  Alternately I may overshare and tell the person too much too soon and scare them.  

Though I have gotten better about making and opening up to friends, after several bad experiences, the mere thought of romantic relationships now gives me cold sweats, panic attacks, and scares the life out of me.  I can go on first dates, second dates, even hang out for a while, but the dating never seems to turn into a Relationship ... for years bridging that gap has eluded me.  This could be partially because of my tendency to freeze or panic, but it really is more than that.  I don't think about it terribly often, after all, I'm happy with my life, why worry?  It's possible that I may just not be a relationship person, but this is a demon I need to face.  Control your fears or they will control you, and all that....

I'd been hanging out with J for a while, and wasn't really sure what was going on there.  After he kissed me on New Years he made the executive decision that we needed to have a DTR.  As I had promised to make dinner, and he is always taking me to nice restaurants, I decided to really go all-out on the meal.  I unfroze the last of the pesto I'd made a few months ago (I'll post that recipe next time I make it - it's some of the best pesto I've ever had), and pesto puffs.  For a side I made some broccoli with ginger, garlic, shiitake, soy, red wine sauce, and for dessert I made cream puffs filled with rose cream, and topped with raspberries.  I was particularly pleased with how the cream puffs turned out, I had never made anything remotely like that before.

Rose Cream

Ingredients:

1 c. milk

1 c. cream

1/2 c sugar 

1/4 c rose water

4 large egg yolks

1/4 c cornstarch

2 T butter cut up

• Whisk milk, cream, 1/4 c. sugar, rose water and salt together in medium saucepan and bring to a simmer.  Immediately remove from heat and set aside
• Whisk yolks, cornstarch, and remaining sugar in a large bowl. 
• Steadily whisking add milk mixture in slow steady stream.
• Pour back into pan
• Cook on medium-high, whisking constantly, until 160 on candy thermometer. 
• Pour back into bowl, add butter, and mix with electric mixer on medium until butter melts and mixture cools.
• Pour into small bowl, cover with plastic wrap (plastic directly on the surface of mixture).  Refrigerate at least 2 hours.

Cream Puffs

Preheat oven to 350

Ingredients:

1/4 c butter (cut in pieces)

1/2 t sugar

pinch salt

1/2 c flour (heaping)

2 large eggs

1 egg white 

• Stir butter, sugar and water in small saucepan over high heat until at a rapid boil
• Add flour and salt and stir quickly until mixture comes away from sides of pan and forms a ball in the center.  
• Put mixture in large bowl and beat on medium with electric mixer.
• Add eggs one by one, mixing throughly each time.
• Drop mixture onto ungreased baking sheet - I made 8 puffs, but you can make them whatever size you want
• Bake  for 40 min
• When cool break puffs open and fill with rose cream filling

J and I had a nice dinner, a long talk, and have decided to take things super slow.   We will see what happens with that.   Who knows, maybe I'll survive this without a panic attack....

I am really quite curious to hear how other TBI survivors deal with the relationship issue.  I know that I'm not alone in being, shall we say, challenged, in that area, but I would love to hear about your experiences.....