Shoot From the Hip

The easiest place to get lost is in your own head.

I couldn't stop thinking about that poor abused dog from the shelter.  Seeing such abject terror really shook me up.  That dog did not have fear instilled in her by neglect or some thoughtless act.  No her owners calculatingly tortured, tormented, and broke her spirit.  What kind of monster could stoop to abusing an animal like that?  How could anyone torture another creature so cruelly?  

Injury to my frontal lobe heightened my emotions.  Though it has gotten less frequent, intense, and I have learned to somewhat control it, to this day  I am, on occasion, assaulted with raw emotions of unimaginable intensity.   For better or worse, this paired with the suggestibility characteristic of TBI survivors (frequently survivors will behave as emotional mirrors), has turned me into an emotional sponge.  I can be swept away by others' emotions - anger, fear, or even happiness or excitement.  This does however, lead to moments of painfully intense empathy.

On the way to the potluck my mind kept coming back to the image of the poor thing cowering in the corner of her cage.  But before walking in, I resolved not to let anyone else know about it. Even with my diminished social skills, I'm pretty sure crying at a party is not in the best form. 

In the crowded room I swallowed my feelings and made a concerted effort to shove it to the back of my mind.  I plastered a smile on my face, and tried to socialize.  Flitting from group to group I joked, laughed and tried to keep conversation fun and superficial, being careful not to talk about anything that would touch on any real emotion.  

This lasted for a few hours, before I fell into a conversation with A, the hostess.  A and her husband had moved to the City several years ago from Missouri and their dog was not adjusting well.  Inside he was fine, but he was terrified of setting foot outdoors -the city's cacophony was too much for him.  I was telling her about ttouch healing massage, and how it could help with emotional as well as physical problems.  http://www.lindatellingtonjones.com/whyTTouch.shtml 

A was fascinated.  We moved to a nearby sofa and a few minutes later J came and sat down next to us.   "I tried to talk to you, and you completely ignored me.  You didn't even say hi to me or give me a hug!" he said, in a hurt voice.

I'd been oblivious to any of this, but mechanically got up, gave him a hug, and without thinking, returned to my conversation.  A group of us left together at the end of the evening and as we parted ways, me heading west, the others east, J gave me a perfunctory one-armed hug.

Realization slowly dawned on me.  I had been so focused on socializing, and then on a conversation, that I had not picked up on any hints that J wanted to talk.  I may have increased empathy (of sorts) now, but I still struggle with picking up on social cues.  This is especially true at times when I am preoccupied with something else, or am in a stimulating environments. When I am mindful, and thinking about it, I am a compassionate person and a considerate friend.  Unfortunately because of the injury there are times I can be completely oblivious to other people's wishes or feelings, and be callous, cold, or even rude.  I'm not really sure if it is a good or bad thing, but I've reached to the point where I generally realize what I've done after the fact, and almost always feel badly if it's brought to my attention. 

Wracked with guilt for hurting a friend (however unintentionally) I sent J several text messages with no response, and went to bed miserable thinking about that, the abused shelter dog, and all the horrors of the world.  The next day I sent J a long heartfelt email of apology.  Kindly, he immediately wrote back telling me that he knew me better than to think that I would do that on purpose.  Never the less I was sure to outline how situations like that could be avoided:

It is extremely important that you be direct with TBI survivors.  No matter how put-together they look, there are almost certainly going to be glitches.  Something that you think is obvious may completely escape their notice.  

I haven't found a fool proof method of staying on-point in this area just yet.   Though I can pick up on things most of the time, there are a few big pink elephants that lumber past me without so much as catching my eye.   The best advice I can give is to try and avoid overstimulation, get plenty of rest, and talk to your friends and family about the things you struggle with.   It can be extremely frustrating, but with time you will get better and learn more effective coping strategies, and find what works best for you.

Though I may have felt awful about my behavior at the potluck, the coffee cake I brought was a great success.  My godmother gave me  the recipe years ago, and it is unquestionably the best coffee cake I have ever had, and extremely easy to make.  

Cream Cheese Coffee Cake

Ingredients:

1 c Butter

4 Eggs

1 8 oz package Cream Cheese

2 1/4 c Flour

1 1/2 c Sugar

1 1/2 t Baking Powder

1 1/2 t Vanilla

1/2 c Sugar

1 1/2 T coco powder

1 T Cinnamon

1/2 c chopped Pecans

• Combine 1/2 sugar, coco powder and cinnamon and set aside.
• Grease bundt pan and sprinkle with pecans.
• Cream butter, cream cheese, 1 1/2 c sugar, and vanilla until light and fluffy
• Add eggs one at a time beating well after each
• Add flour and baking powder mixing until well blended

• Spoon 1/2 the batter into prepared pan and sprinkle 1/2 the cinnamon, sugar, coco mixture over
• Spoon about 2/3 of remaining batter and sprinkle with remaining cinnamon, sugar coco mixture
• Top with remaining batter and swirl knife throughout to marbleize.

• Bake 60-70 min
• Cool upright in pan for 15 min